так, наверно, я не пойду спать, пока это не запишу. Наверное, надо записать - чтобы передать самой же себе привет)) в будущее и в прошлое.
I knew he was going to kiss me. I didn't know if I wanted it. Suddenly I realized that I didn't really want it. Though why deprive (if it's the right word) myself from trying?
I was standing on the roof. We were close. I knew we were close enough to kiss. And I also knew that there won't be anything more than that. Though I felt quite overwhelmed with my thoughts. Too many rationality, I guess. And I was sober. And he was not. For sure not. And of course I also had thoughts about it. That this
I thought: what I would reply when he kisses me. How I would react. I was planning it in my head. And yeah, not for a second I was flirting. Not that I meant to flirt.
And he kissed me. With passion. Though softly. Though insistently. And I almost forgot that I didn't know how to kiss. That I didn't kiss for almost 3 years at all. That I never kissed anyone but my ex. And that I never learnt how to do it. And now I also didn't know what to do. I was afraid that he would reveal my "lack of skills".
- Oh, he is continuing, is he so drunk that he doesn't care about anything?
- is he kissing me only because he is drunk?
- has he already noticed my lack of enthusiasm?
- has he already noticed how terrible I am in kissing?
- well, I don't like him that much so should I stop kissing him?
And only 1% of me was thinking like: wow, I'm kissing a guy on a Lisbon rooftop. A guy I met 2 hours ago. He is Italian. Isn't a perfect experience to start my way into relationship with men? Isn't it a perfect start in general? And why should I ever stop? Why would we stop?
And this 1% found it nice. Even though we all agreed that it couldn't have nothing further.
- Thank you.
- For what?
- For your attention.
I felt his body close to mine, I felt his touch. It was very nice to feel his hand under my sweater, on my thighs, on my neck. However the closer he was, the less enthuasiasm I felt. I didn't want to pretend. I didn't want to stop it neither. I knew I was too calm, too indifferent. I didn't care much what he thought about it. Because it was definitely a big moment for me. It was something I was longing for in my dreams and at the same time it was something I was afraid of. I expected I would be afraid. But I wasn't. I felt 100% safe on this rooftop, with this (almost) random guy. I knew I could make any choice. I wouldn't blame myself for it.
So we left the party. And we walked in silence. He asked if I prefered to go to his place. But I'd already made a choice. I was just thankful for that moment to happen.
- So... I'd like to go back to the part in this case.
- Sure, you should go.
I don't know what is going to happen next. Everyday here brings something I've never experienced before. These rooftop kisses is just a sign that there would be more and more of new things happening in my life. And I'm looking forward to them. Truly. I'm looking forward to exploring myself. I'm looking forward to starting feeling again.
Thank you. Now at least I know that it can be real.