I'm struggling to find words to describe the previous week on a songwriting retreat, so I'll just put here everything that comes to my mind
Co-writing sessions
Meeting new people
Getting a lot of positive feeback and learning to accept it - with honour and gratefully
Simple and non-bothering routine, simple food, almost no distractions
Little village of 20-ish houses
English, a lot of english speking going on and in the end finding myself immersed in that language - and quiet happy about it
Singing - without any judgements, without inner doubts, just singing to serve the song - what a revelation it is for me! I've never sounded like that before, I didn't know that I could sound like that. I didn't know what my voice could be like. It's interesting how I limit myself as a vocalist to a certain "right" sound and how limitless my voice can be when I'm in the role of a songwriter. I just don't care that much about being "right". And it's much more easier to be a songwriter on stage performing and serving the song than to come on stage trying to be a perferct vocalist (which doesn't actually make any sense if you think about it)
Listening to other's songs and finally (on a 3rd day or so) finding beauty in each of them! Beauty is in simplicity, it's in the title, it's in the way someone plays a piano or guita and everyone (I mean, everyone) being so passionate about what they do.
and that thing about owning and controlling but not "over-controlling" it when on stage - I felt like it and it was an amazing feeling. I was 100% focused on the song (not on myself or my ambitions, or thoughts). I didn't care how I looked or what other people would think about me, I was really doing my best to deliver the song. And it's such a great feeling! Looks like I've found what I missed all those years. Because - as I said yesterday - I couldn't let the song down. Imagine, how simple and deep this is ! I didn't to let my co-writers down, but even more than that I didn't want to show my disrespect to the song and the job we've done together. Cause nobody really cares how I feel. It doesn't matter. You can have a great song and than deliver it badly. You can have a song you're not sure about (which is ok) but put all your energy and effort to deliver it and to enjoy it on stage - and people will resonate with it - if not with your song, but at least with your energy. Why would you go on stage and be humble about what you do?
So many beautiful things happened this week. So many things that I've learnt about myself. Can I say that I know myself better know? Sure, I do. Do I like all the aspects of my character or behaviour? No, I don't. But now I'm more aware of them.
That "judging thing" - which I hate but I still have it - how much better I feel when I don't judge. And I'm not being judged. I just wonder how do people learn to do it? I admire it.
Being honest with yourself and keep going - these are crucial things for me. And it seems that this week was a real healing for me - after all that inner struggles I had.
I'm not finishing my reflection , I'm sure it will go on. And I'm looking forward to it